Bergmanesque

Last night at a concert I discovered one of my most longstanding misreadings. A countertenor was singing a raft of French songs, including Claude Debussy’s Prelude and Clair de Lune, two of his best known pieces.

The concert program included the lyrics and I was reading the actually kind of lame melodramatic texts of various songs (o my heart) and it was slowly revealed to me that the two Debussy songs were not from what I’ve long been reading as Suite Bergmanesque, but from Suite Bergamasque. 

In other words, the songs weren’t a homage to the Swedish director Ingmar Bergman as I’ve been unconsciously assuming for about 25 years, but to a clownish dance from the Italian town of Bergamo. Since I never thought about the inspiration for the songs, or dwelled on any associations I made with them, I’d never corrected this abiding trick of the eye. 

You’d think it would have occurred to me that Bergman and Debussy didn't have overlapping lifetimes. In fact they missed each other by four months - Debussy died in March 1918 while Bergman was born in July of that year - meaning the composer never had the opportunity to see Wild Strawberries, or The Seventh Seal, or even the first movie Bergman directed, To Joy.

Well, dear 25 years, it’s been lovely having Debussy’s Prelude evoke all those Swedish walks on the beach, and letting Clair de Lune call forth the light in the foghorn scene from Persona. In fact, I think I’ll continue to let it. It’s much more pleasing than an awkward Italian dance from a town best known these days for its rinky-dink airport, served primarily by Ryanair.

Customer grouch

With beer sales up, Germans said Proust! more often in 2014.
(prost)

On annihilation, raise your hands over your head.
(inhalation)

Things to do in Hilarious, Germany
(Saarlouis)

China will never follow the path of western colonists, the foreign mystery said.

(ministry)

Swiss tourism faces tongue challenge after bank abandons currency peg.
(tough)

The couple bought a 4-story townhouse where they’re ravishing their twins.
(raising)

Profitability will be hit by an investment in customer grouch.
(growth)

Jesus Charlie.
(Je suis).

New year's misreadings

Lately instead of doing upper-body or lower-body I just do full-body stench workouts.
(strength)

It’s a grueling procedure, so prepare for preposterous care at home.
(post-operative)

The app makes photo mortgages of your face and much more.
(montage)

The room had a sort of underwear light.
(underwater)

We are in the midst of disgusting an entire library.
(digitising)

It’s the thought that gonuts.
(counts)

Perhaps when you ejaculate everything, you’ll see you’re wealthier than us.
(calculate)

Russian Stepmother

Contained heroin is a guide to the world’s unusual produce items.
(herein)

Made with calculus extract
(cactus)

European banks sign loans to Russian Stepmother
(steelmaker)

Looking forward to having the family here for a cerebral palsy St Patrick’s Day Guinness.
(celebratory)

To the culturally urinated, working abroad can be a puzzle.
(uninitiated)

The disgust on the corner is open all night.
(druggist)

The jury began deliberations after two hours of closing arguments in a much-watered trial.
(watched)

Some people use aspergers to shorten texts.
(ampersands)

Anatomy and Cleopatra, or recent misreadings

Customers have been abandoning physical sores at an increasing pace. 

(stores)

You can’t argue with fire ant.

(fine art)

A school sheltering distracted people was hit by what appeared to be an airstrike. 

(displaced)

After reading the passage, students were asked to put their convulsions in writing. 

(conclusions)

British Museum’s Boob Wheel gets attention

(book)

Haworth's weather is generally windy, rainy, and cough.

(rough)

Sounds injuring.

(intriguing)

Police find cannibals growing on the highway.

(cannibas)

The 'local midwife' can refer to more than just exotic native fauna.

(wildlife)

Give my errands to Broadway

In an omnivorous sign, the governor slammed Congress for rejecting the bill.

(ominous)

Authorities step up efforts against cigarette smudging.

(smuggling)

All your toddlers have been updated. 

(folders)

Who will pay my spirit bill? 

(sprint)

The treatment will benefit patients not edible for surgery. 

(eligible)

They were mobbed by yellow churchgoers when Harkins encouraged attendees to greet those near them.

(fellow)

Sickly government on the verge of another crisis 

(Sicily)

For decades sharpness tempted fate on Everest for clients' goals and the survival of their families

(sherpas)

The pear door was ill

His mother was a French-speaking seamistress - - (seamstress)

Hillary Clinton doubts new haircut, bangs - - (debuts)

Walking the dog in the Aspirin snow - - (Aspen)

Persimmon grows over chances of EU deal - - (pessimism)

Kim Jong Un hails execution of powerful nude - - (uncle)

The pear door was ill - - (poor dear)

Newengland’s suicide exposes women’s plight in India - - (newlywed’s)

Cruise hammered over war mosquitoes - - (misquotes)

Apocalypse Oil

Today’s misreading is brought to you by Braun, the maker of electric razors, coffee crushers and hand vacuums.

This morning as I was reaching for something in the bathroom cabinet, my eyes scanned a small plastic vial of liquid. Because I was not really looking at it, and because I did not really care, and because the mind will always rush to fill in the blanks, what I saw there was a bottle of Apocalypse Oil.

Right there in the bathroom cabinet. Apocalypse Oil! The apocalypse couldn’t go on without it. All brought to you by Braun, maker of appliances for small household chores such as ending the world.

Lose Weight with Vodka

The workers went on strike for better conditions and extra overtime joy. - (pay)

Hamburger with a nazi-portion of fries - (maxi) 

Lose weight with vodka - (yoga) 

Awkward should be submitted separately. - (artwork) 

Two men face fart, reptile breeding cruelty charges. - (rat) 

New Poll Islams Congress. - (slams) 

A wind tears the last leaves from the goblets along the road. - (poplars) 

I hate douche. - (quiche)

Snowstorms defy interpretation

I often struggle to differentiate plague from plaque - orthographically, of course. I do abhor poor dental hygiene. I do joke about ‘bubonic plaque’ to get my kids to brush conscientiously. Still, while bad dental care may be epidemic, it never wiped out millions of lives. Nor does it have to be contagious.

Misreadings sometimes come from skimming a text, instead of actually reading. Or they can be a kind of Freudian slip - the mind insists it sees something that the eyes, on second look, prove to be something else. Or sometimes you expect to see a certain word, so you do. The brain won't have it otherwise. 

Scanning my blog the other day I read “Unbelievable in Stores,” even though I’d written the post myself and knew it was “Unavailable in Stores.” Unbelievable and Unavailable have such similar architecture. And it's true that mistakes make life more interesting. Here are some other misreadings of the past weeks: 

How rodent the artist remained despite basking in adulation. 

(modest) 

The bakery was well known for its French parasites. 

(pastries) 

February saw uninterpreted snowstorms. 

(uninterrupted) 

Gutsy winds fanned the wildfire. 

(gusty) 

France condoms attacks on wine students. 

(condemns) 

The plane had to make a memory landing due to engine trouble. 

(emergency) 

Leaders voweled to defend the euro. 

(vowed) 

She touches up her blush and apples lipstick. 

(applies) 

Authorities say at least 25,000 humble bees have died in the lot. 

(bumble)

Recent Misreadings

"Mexican Vulgarities Take Over Town" (vigilantes)

"Global Dictionaries Gather for Thatcher Funeral" (dignitaries) 

I also read “School using bulletproof whiteboards” as “School using waterproof bullets.” 

It took a second even to identify the direct objects. 

"Stellar cast rescues ministries" (miniseries) 

Reading a book about Flaubert that was peppered with French, I read this sentence:

“Honours dishonour, titles degrade, employment stupifies” 

and thought, wow, it’s great that I understood that whole French sentence, only to do a double-take and realize I’d understood it because it was in English.

"Clinical studies show bleeding rats slow after treatment" (rates) 

"Our prompt for today: let’s try writing toilets" (triolets)  

And a glance at the World Wildlife Fund logo yielded

 WTF